Oddments

Come to think of it, another weird thing is that Geneissenaustr. runs downhill no matter which way you cycle along it.

They love their dogs here; they take good care of them and you almost never see an ill-treated dog or a stray. This is obviously a good thing, and would be a great thing if they would only stop letting them shit all over the pavements. What’s funny though is that each dog/person group makes up its own little self-contained world, and it is obviously not the done thing to stop and pet someone else’s animal. The cuteness of the dogs unfortunately makes it impossible for me to follow this unspoken rule, so I get a lot of suspicious looks.

And at this point, a special mention to my friend Deb, who has a gift for a pertinent turn of phrase and among other things invented the very useful expression Dr. Moy.

Worrying phenomena

Got an e-mail today from someone called Norbert Zanker. It’s in indecipherable German but it looks like it might be about something quite important like work papers. It’s probably just a German version of "shame of sex? We can make ylou rock hard, your girlfriend squeal with delite" but I’m worried it might be about to revoke my right to live and work in Deutschland if I don’t reply.

Also today, noticed that there appears to be an U-Bahn stop named Uncle Tom’s Cabin in German (Onkel Toms Hütte). Weird.

Tales from the old days

Met a wonderful little old lady while having brunch on Saturday. She was 87 and had been at school in England before the war, so spoke perfect English with a home counties accent. She was an Ossie and regaled us of tales of how it was when the Russians took over the city (in particular how lucky she was to speak Russki as it saved her from being raped) and of travelling throughout the Soviet Union 'as far as the Chinese border' just to see what it was all like. A woman after my own heart.

Much as I'd like to see the central Asian republics right now I'm thankful to be getting the chance to explore Berlin, which just gets more interesting the more time you spend here. Thanks to this fab little Indian summer I've been able to sample some of the beach bars I was planning to get to when the rains came in August. Who knows, if it lasts a week or two more I might even get to a lake.

Gul Doktum Yollarina

I was just walking through some flats near me this morning when suddenly right beside me two men started playing Arabic sounding music on a drum and a clarinet-like thingummy ,and next thing a bride, groom and brightly garbed wedding entourage popped out of one of the walkways. I do like living in Kreuzberg.

Rescue mission

The time – 11.00 a.m.
The place – Potsdamer Platz Arcade
The mission – liberation of bike, which had become imprisoned while I was buying some motorbike boots on Saturday, due to the faulty and altogether pisspoor nature of the cheap lock that I’d bought in Neukölln.

First liberation attempt had occurred on Sunday with liberal use of can of oil, but had only resulted in the key – which had previously refused to turn – breaking off in the lock.

Second liberation attempt started badly – on pulling up to the railing my bike was attached to, discovery of large police van parked right next to it. Therefore had to pull the meter long wire cutters out of my friend’s car right in front of the Polizist sitting in the driving seat of the meat wagon. The friend - being half Afghan and not wanting to tempt the coppers into a spot of impromptu racial profiling – skedaddled out of there. I decided the best course of action was to act as though nothing could be more normal than to approach a locked bike wielding a giant pair of shears and proceed to chop through the lock. And amazingly, though I expected to have my collar felt at any moment, I was left undisturbed by both the dibble and the passing shoppers. It’s reassuring to know that either I look stunningly honest, or that there is so little crime here that it doesn’t occur to people that someone might be up to no good.

PS the wire cutters were surprisingly easy to get hold of. I merely went to my local lock shop and borrowed them, free of charge...

Friedrich the Camp

Took advantage of the sunshine to finally go and have a proper look at Schloss Charlottenberg. My friend and I couldn’t work out which of the many Friedrichs had been Friedrich the Great. We narrowed it down fairly easily to either the gay one or his nasty father (who beheaded his son’s lover and made him watch) but beyond that it was hard to pin him down. That is until we came to the room full of ornamental jewel encrusted snuff boxes, just a sample of the hundreds which Friedrich the Great collected, and then all was klar.

Life is a cabaret, with chocolate

On Oranienburgerstr, nestling amid the tacky tourist traps with their fake columns and plastic fountains pouring over polystyrene buddhas, there is a fine wig shop. I have purchased a black bob, which if I darken my eyebrows looks almost natural. It seems appropriate to have a Sally Bowles hairdo to switch to, and in a city like Berlin you never know when you might need a disguise. On the subject of hair, it’s gradually being born in on me that I’m going to have to go to a hairdresser, despite my deep mistrust of the breed. There is one near me but it’s called Naszi’s, which is not inspiring of confidence.

I seem to be on a private quest this week to find out just how much one person can eat in a given seven day period. I was helped in this by an encounter with my second ever chocolate fountain. They really are the most wondrous inventions.

Otherwise, spent a fun evening unblocking my bathroom sink with the aid of some specially imported Mr Muscle and a coathanger. Even though most of what I pulled out had clearly at one point been attached to my head, it could still happily have been used as a prop in any number of horror films.

I am very worried by the fact that I keep getting a banner advert for Tena Lady when I access my Yahoo e-mails. Could it be possible that I’ve been profiled?

Return of DJ Beast

After a heavy weekend involving a gallery opening, a bar crawl in Mitte, two European Championship Qualifiers and playing a DJ set at a wedding, I'm good for nothing today except watching George Clooney dubbed into German and eating Haribo licorice allsorts.